After months of confusion, I’ve finally sought some clarity. My experience in Raleigh has been one shit storm after the other. I was under the impression that I was wanted here. In the simplest of ways. My presence here has proven the exact opposite.
This is no ones fault but my own. I tend to read into words as if they mean much more. I’ve found that most people aren’t as blunt or confrontational as I am. I also tend to take people at face value. When they tell me things, I believe them. I always give the benefit of doubt.
This is a mistake that has been beaten out of me. Thoroughly.
I came here for change. I felt myself wanting to be here. I’m realizing that the type of change I was in for was much different than expected. Instead of a simpler life with a space for thought and healing, I found a chaotic atmosphere that hardened me.
I’ve lost some of the things I loved most about myself. The ability to see the good in everyone and trust it. To believe I could help pull those things out in people. The ability to relate and trust endlessly. To give without hesitation or expectation of receiving anything back.
Instead, I have become skeptical of everyone’s intentions. I am slow to want anything but a surface relationship. I don’t want anyone to know my life or what it has been like. And I surely don’t trust anyone anymore. Except a few back on the west coast. And I am incapable of giving.
There is only one word; Disappointment.
Looking at this now, I am thankful. The world finally beat any leftover naivety out of me.
It’s put me in the perfect position to look after myself. I’m no longer looking for a companion. No longer looking for those who understand. I understand myself well enough.
I know where my heart will always be. It’s been the same for years now. And knowing that, I can spend time on myself. I know the level of love and friendship that I am capable of. And I won’t give that out freely. It must be met with the same amount of care and attention.
After today, there will be no more personal posts here or anywhere else. I have plans made and no one will be involved unless it happens naturally.
And for once, I’m not running. I’m not hiding.
My life is mine. And if you wanted to be a part of it, you should have made it clear. And to be quite honest, I’m sort of over this online life-sharing bullshit. I’ll reblog things I like. Everything else in my life is now reserved for those in it.
So, if you’re reading this.. thanks for listening. Hope your life goes well.